


Separation of the Body, Not the Soul

by fishcollective



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: First Kiss, Forbidden Love, Foreplay, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Parabatai Bond, Parabatai Feels, Separations, Teasing, Walking In On Someone
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-23
Updated: 2017-12-06
Packaged: 2019-02-06 01:54:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12807042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fishcollective/pseuds/fishcollective
Summary: Jace and Alec are found out, and as they are breaking the sacred law governing parabatai, they will be separated and prevented from ever contacting each other.





	1. Prologue, aka: A kiss is but a kiss

**Author's Note:**

> This is to be a chaptered fic (and I have no idea how long, but they won't even be separated until ch 3 and then dealing with that for a good long while so there should be plenty), and the tags and rating don't apply for a couple of chapters I'd say. Keep an eye on the chapter summaries and notes. I will add tags as stuff happens. Like angst and whatnot.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is at least one way Alec can surprise Jace during sparring...

Jace grins as he parries Alec’s lunge attack. Alec must have been hoping to surprise him with it, but Jace is too good of a fighter and knows Alec too well. That’s the whole point of being parabatai, after all — being able to just sense each other’s movements and rhythm in battle and match accordingly. It makes actual combat easier, but sparring challenging for sure. 

Steel clangs against steel as they manoeuvre around the courtyard. They have both chosen to train with dual short blades to shake things up a little. Alec easily stops Jace’s next attack with his own blades crossed before him, pushes out and down, locking their arms and weapons against each other. 

“You can do better than that,” Alec teases. 

So in a risky move Jace would never even consider in actual combat, he drops both his weapons, turns his wrists, and grabs Alec’s forearms. Endorphins are rushing through him as he hooks a leg around Alec’s calves, while simultaneously pressing forward and moving their arms outward and up to brace the fall without letting go. With a thud, Alec ends up supine and pinned to the ground, Jace on top panting heavily from elated exertion. His legs are over Alec’s, ankles crossed, locking him in place. Pressing Alec’s arms into the stones of the courtyard to secure the weapons, means that Jace is almost lying flat on top of him, but just almost. He’s so close, though. Alec’s ragged breathing makes his chest brush ever so slightly against Jace’s shirt whenever he breathes in, and focusing on Alec’s eyes, Jace could count his dark eyelashes if he gave himself time. 

With Jace pressing down on him Alec can only move his neck and shoulders, and in a move Jace could never have anticipated, Alec kisses him. Just like that. Lips press against lips, holding for just a moment longer than necessary. And Jace is absolutely stunned. He freezes, and his grip on Alec’s wrists loosens. Not letting a surprise like that go to waste, Alec seizes the opportunity and sits up, flipping Jace around and pinning him to the ground in turn. Jace doesn’t even resist.

“I win,” Alec says gruffly as he lets go and simply leaves. 

Jace stays with his cheek resting against the cold stones for several heartbeats. What just happened? 

He stands, shrugs it all off as a clever manoeuvre on Alec’s part, and heads for his shower. He will ignore the way the kiss made him feel, it’s the only thing he _can_ do.

*

Since there is no impending mission to go on, Jace chooses to catch up on some reading in the greenhouse. He likes it there. It’s quiet and peaceful, and feels far removed from the clamour of the ops centre without actually being physically distant in case of a crisis.

He hasn’t been reading for long when Alec sits down next to him on the bench, tense with worry and discomfort.

“I’m sorry I kissed you.”

“I’m not,” he instinctually answers, but doesn’t look up. Beside him, he can feel Alec relax slightly. 

“You’re not?” Is that hope he can detect in Alec’s voice? 

“I mean… it was a nice kiss.” Finally, Jace dares to look at him, despite feeling blood slowly rising to his cheeks. “You have, uh, nice lips.”

Why did he say that? That’s so embarrassing. You just don’t say such things to your best friend. 

“You didn’t think it was weird?”

“Maybe a little weird yeah. You’re my parabatai.” They aren’t supposed to do things like this as parabatai. It’s forbidden. And, of course, that has been playing in Jace’s head since the abrupt end of their sparring session. Except, it doesn’t exactly _feel_ wrong. 

“Yeah, I know. I’m so sorry. It’s wrong, and it’s not like you’re even into guys, and we grew up together and... just, I’m sorry, okay? It will never happen again.” Alec rambles, clearly quite distraught by what he has done.

“Hey, I said I liked it!” 

At that, Alec’s eyes light up and a sly smile plays on his lips.

“Actually, you didn’t. You said you weren’t sorry I kissed you. That’s not the same,” Alec corrects.

“Oh…” Jace’s cheeks flush fully and he dips his head again. 

In the corner of his eye he sees Alec scooting closer on the bench. He can feel the heat from where their thighs now press together. And then Alec places a graceful finger under Jace’s chin, lifting his face so that their eyes can meet.

“So… you liked kissing me?”

Jace can’t help but look at Alec’s mouth. He didn’t lie when he said Alec had nice lips. Lips he would very much like to feel again. _To taste again_. Not trusting his own voice anymore, Jace just makes a small affirmative sound.

Gently pressing his index finger into the skin under Jace’s chin, Alec brings their faces close.

“Would you like to… again?”

Alec’s breath caresses Jace’s face, and Jace can’t suppress the shiver running down his spine and arms. He closes his eyes.

Alec’s lips are soft and warm and welcoming. And this time, Jace responds in earnest.


	2. Breaking the law is a pleasure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are heating up, but how will they be able to keep their relationship a secret?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I guess this might bump the rating up a bit. Cause things sure _are_ heating up.

The downworld cabinet meeting had been long, boring, and utterly frustrating. Alec just wants to relax — preferably in the arms of his parabatai. 

Their first kiss had honestly taken them both by surprise. Alec had found himself, once again, pinned against the courtyard stones at the end of a sweaty and exhilarating sparring session. But with Jace so close, energy humming in the sliver of space still left between them, Alec hadn’t been able to stop himself. For once in his life he didn’t overthink it, and simply acted. The kiss had been short, far too short, but with Jace completely frozen in shock, Alec had just taken the opportunity to win the fight and leave before any awkward conversation could arise. 

But with the post-workout shower washing away both the sweat from his skin and the cobwebs from his mind, Alec had realised that he would have to face Jace and deal with the situation sooner rather than later. So once dressed, he had looked for him in some of the usual spots, only to find him reading in the greenhouse. He had looked so beautiful surrounded by green leaves, his blonde hair falling in his face as he bent over some old journal. Alec had tried to shake that thought, and, sitting down beside Jace, he had said he was sorry about the kiss — just hoping that Jace wouldn’t be too freaked out or offended. He hadn’t expected Jace to say that he had liked it, or to just moments later be kissing him, _again_. Properly. Before it could get much further than a deep kiss, with Jace’s hand cupping the back of Alec’s head, they had stolen away to Alec’s room to get some privacy to fully explore this new… _development._

It has been an intoxicating couple of months — mapping every inch of each other’s bodies, finding ways to make the other weak with pleasure, and investigating the way their parabatai bond behaves when they are intimate rather than in battle. But said bond is also the reason they have to keep their relationship a secret. It’s highly illegal for parabatai to be romantically involved, after all. Despite knowing the risks however, they have chosen to pursue the relationship at full speed, both physically and emotionally. And oh has it been worth it so far. The secrecy has even made their time alone together more exciting, and frankly more arousing as well. They know they can’t keep it up forever, but they still hope that things will have changed enough by the time they’re found out, so that it won’t matter. Of course, Izzy had realised what was going on just within a few days, and she had told Clary. But the girls were immediately on their side in this, and have even covered for them on occasion, which makes it so much easier for them both.

Jace has become Alec’s safe haven — a place to relax and to feel at home, despite whatever the day throws at him; be it difficult diplomats, stubborn downworlders, or a nest of shax demons. He knows that, at the end of it all, Jace will be by his side and in his bed. And that is where Alec finds him now... or rather, _on_ his bed. Jace is sitting cross legged on top of the covers, dressed in a soft v-necked t-shirt and sweatpants, hair still a bit damp, and yet another book in his hands. Alec reckons he probably spent the evening in the Institute gym, and just recently got out of the shower. At the sound of the door softly clicking shut Jace looks up from his reading. 

“Hey,” Jace says, smiling a content little smile at the sight of his parabatai. 

“Hey,” Alec echoes and bends over for a quick kiss before turning back around to take off his shoes.

“The meeting took hours. You okay?” 

“I’m just so tired.” Alec gets on the bed and leans against Jace, their shoulders pressing together. “Raphael is being impossible right now and I just can’t seem to get through to him.”

“You’ll get there. Just keep at it,” Jace says as he closes his book and puts it on the bedside table. He changes positions, angling himself so that he can look at Alec. He reaches out and strokes the short black curls, continuing down to let his palm rest against Alec’s jaw. “Do you have a headache?”

“No, although I don’t know how I managed to get through that meeting without getting one.” Alec turns his face slightly, leaning into Jace’s touch. “But you’re here so it’s all good. Let’s forget about everything else for tonight, okay?”

Jace doesn’t seem to need a clearer prompt and places his other hand on Alec’s face, leaning in to let their lips meet. They don’t rush it, but instead let the kiss slowly grow deeper. A heat is building deep in Alec’s belly, and he hooks an arm around Jace’s waist.

“Come here,” Alec mumbles against the stubble of Jace’s jaw as he pulls the other man onto his lap, letting Jace straddle him, knees almost pushed under the pillows Alec is propped up against.

“I thought you said you were tired,” Jace teases as he gets comfortable, putting his arms around Alec’s neck. 

“Not anymore.” Hands splayed on the small of Jace’s back, Alec lifts his own body up towards him, so that he can plant kisses down Jace’s neck.

“Oh, really?” 

Head tilted back Jace shifts a little on Alec’s lap — the friction between them causing Alec to grow harder. He lets out a small gasp which makes him break contact with Jace’s neck. Jace rocks backwards slightly and pushes Alec back against the pillow. _So that’s how it’s gonna be?_ Alec will happily let Jace take charge tonight. 

So, with eyes heavy from desire, he watches as Jace slips his shirt above his head, but he doesn’t make a move, letting his hands simply rest against the covers. This will be Jace’s show, and he will do whatever Jace wants. But he can’t stop from trembling as Jace slowly unbuttons Alec’s dress shirt while, probably not even aware of it, licking his lips. Deft hands push the fabric to the side, roving over Alec’s exposed skin. Then Jace bends down, taking a pink nipple in his mouth, and Alec bucks under him. In response, Jace presses himself harder against Alec to keep him still, which only makes the charged heat between them more intense. 

When Jace moves to the other nipple, letting the now seemingly cold air wash over the first, Alec draws in a sharp breath, keeping himself still with all the willpower left inside him. And with Jace accompanying his oral ministrations with small circular movements of his hips, grinding their still cloth covered erections together, Alec has to bite down hard on his lip to not cry out. A whimper still escapes and Jace looks up at him.

“Shhh, don’t let the rest of the Institute know what I’m doing to you,” Jace whispers hoarsely. 

Alec bites down even harder on his bottom lip, tasting blood, and nods. He closes his eyes, focusing on the sensation of Jace trailing kisses up his chest and neck. When warm lips meet his, Alec can taste copper mingling with that unique taste of Jace he’s come to love with his entire being. Fiercely claiming Alec’s mouth with his, Jace simultaneously rakes his nails over Alec’s parabatai rune, sending a sharp spike of pleasure through Alec. He gasps audibly.

“I can’t take this anymore, Jace. Please, just…”

“Patience,” Jace replies with a wicked smile and a dangerous glint in his eyes. 

Alec can only groan with sexual frustration as Jace, instead of reclaiming Alec’s mouth, traces his deflect rune with the tip of his tongue, kissing and sucking where the black line dips into the hollow of Alec’s neck. It is simply _too much._

Alec can’t keep his hands off Jace anymore. He just needs to _feel him._ And to Alec’s relief Jace doesn’t protest when Alec lets his hands wander from his waist to the small of his back, and finally under the waistband of Jace’s sweatpants. Alec smiles a little as he feels Jace tense under his palms, and his breath hitch against the skin of his neck. 

Literally aching for release, Alec lets out a moan as he finally feels Jace’s right hand make its way down to where their hips are pressed together, unzipping the now all too tight jeans. When nimble fingers reach into his underwear, Alec can’t help but dig his nails into Jace’s skin, eliciting a moan from Jace in return.

Just as Jace is about to close his hand around the base of Alec, the bedroom door bangs open. They fly apart, and for a horrifying moment Alec locks eyes with his father, standing in the doorway.

“What are you two doing?!” Robert bellows, his face turning a deep red.

Both Jace and Alec are quick to get on their feet, Alec zipping his pants back up and clutching his open shirt to his chest, trying to cover himself.

“We didn’t even get anywh… Nothing happened!” Jace blurts out, being the first of them to find his voice.

“How long has this been going on?” Robert focuses his steely gaze on Alec, pointedly ignoring Jace.

“This is the first time. I swear. It just kinda…” Alec lies, desperation tinging his voice.

“Enough! Alec, the fact that you are gay is something I’m finally starting to come to terms with. But your _parabatai?_ ”

Alec swallows. He feels like he’s twelve again, being caught stealing a confidential report from his father’s office. The mix of anger and disappointment in Robert’s voice is like a slap in the face.

“I need to inform Inquisitor Herondale of this immediately, ” Robert fumes.

Alec can sense Jace flinching at the name, but he doesn’t dare look at him. Both families involved? This is a nightmare.

“A hearing will have to be held first thing in the morning. Son, _you broke the law._ ”

Robert doesn’t even deign Jace with a look before he storms out of the room, leaving the door rattling against the frame.

“I better leave,” Jace says with a shaky voice, grabbing his shirt from the floor. 

Alec nods in agreement, but before his parabatai, his _lover_ , can leave, he puts a warm hand on his arm.

“It will be okay, Jace. We’ve been through worse,” Alec says in a low voice.

“I’m not so sure…” Jace whispers under his breath as he turns and takes a step towards the door.

Alec lets his hand drop to Jace’s wrist, which he grabs onto, spinning Jace back towards him and into a fierce kiss. 

“We _will_ get through this,” he promises against Jace’s lips.


	3. The descent into hell is easy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jace and Alec are tried for their crime.

That night is the first they spend apart since that fateful second kiss in the greenhouse. It does _not_ sit right with Jace. His bed feels cold and far too big. Technically, they could have just kept going once Robert had slammed the door, but having Alec’s own father burst in on them while Jace was sucking on Alec’s neck and had his hand buried in Alec’s underwear, had thoroughly ruined the mood. And, for their lie about a sudden and surprising tryst to hold, they couldn’t exactly snuggle up in bed like a real couple. 

So when morning breaks Jace is bleary eyed and his head is pounding. He hasn’t slept this bad in a long time. 

He goes to meet Alec and their respective appointed advocates in one of the small official rooms scattered around the Institute. The advocates introduce themselves as Bautree and Lowmark, and explain that since this is a rushed trial and they haven’t requested specific council, they have been tasked to defend them in court. Bautree also informs them that it will be a closed hearing due to the delicate nature of their supposed crime, and only three randomly selected Clave representatives will be present as procedural witnesses. Jace and Alec just nod. This can’t end well, but at least they won’t have to go through every embarrassing detail in front of half the Institute. 

“Who will be prosecuting?” Alec asks. 

“Technically, it should be your father, Mr Lightwood, as he was the one to bring the issue to the Clave. But, as he is also the key witness, that will not do. As such, councillor Rosebow will take his place as prosecutor,” Lowmark explains. She has been assigned to Alec, while Jace will be defended by Bautree. 

“Inquisitor Herondale has also chosen to step down for this particular trial,” Bautree adds with a pointed look at Jace. “With the familiar bond she has with you, she cannot be sure to remain impartial as a judge.” 

Jase almost laughs at that, but a stout little man Jace has never seen before pokes his head into the room.

“They’re ready for you.”

Jace assumes the man to most likely be one of the procedural witnesses Bautree had spoken of. Not that he really cares. 

They are ushered into the makeshift courtroom, and Jace can’t even stand to look at Robert, who is currently talking to the woman who must be their prosecutor. He will never be able to forgive Robert for what he did to Maryse, and now this? But he honestly hadn’t believed it possible that Robert would react this way if he ever found out, and briefly wonders what might have happened between him and his own parabatai. But that isn’t something he wants to think about, ever, because Robert is a cheating bastard who literally dragged his own son to court over what at least appeared to be just a bit of fun. 

Jace lets his anger settle in his stomach like a hot glowing ball, hoping it will help him get through this farce of a trial. He looks around and spots his grandmother sitting to the side, mouth in a thin line and hard eyes currently trained on him. Jace doesn’t believe that Imogen Herondale, appointed Inquisitor of the Clave, would ever be biased in favour of the grandson she hardly knows. But, as she is ever the professional, she had of course removed herself as head of the proceedings. However, she has apparently chosen to stay to make sure all protocols are followed by the stern older gentleman taking her place. Jace looks away, and his eyes fall on Alec instead, standing by his side. Jace’s whole demeanour softens. The red hot glow in the pit of his stomach is still there, but for Alec he will do anything.

“Take your seats, please,” the man in the grey suit, placed on a dais in front of them, urges. “And let the hearing begin.”

They all shuffle into their respective seats. Alec and Jace are side by side, flanked by their respective advocates. At a small table next to them sits Rosebow, and behind her — Robert. 

“The two men on trial today stand accused of sexual relations, and possible romantic connection, between parabatai,” the judge drones. “This is considered a high crime. Defence, you may make the case for your clients.”

Lowmark and Bautree stand.

“Your honour, may I ask _you_ a very simple question to begin with?” Bautree gets an allowing hand-wave as reply, and continues. “ _If_ the two accused are indeed guilty of what you say, why is it even considered a crime?”

“It is an affront to the sacred bond they forged as teenagers, and frankly a danger to themselves and others. And above all: _the law is the law._ ” The judge scoffs at what he must think is a ridiculous question. 

Bautree just nods, acknowledging the judge’s answer, but not commenting on it.

“The defence would like to call Robert Lightwood to the witness stand,” Lowmark states without any flourish.

As Robert takes the few steps to the chair set next to the judge’s dais, Jace sends daggers with his eyes into Robert’s back. No, he will _never_ forgive him for this.

“Mr Lightwood. You are the one who brought these accusations to the Clave, correct?” Lowmark asks.

“Yes, that is correct,” Robert replies, casting quite a disappointed glance at Jace and Alec by the defence table. 

“How can you be sure that these two are involved beyond their naturally close relationship as parabatai?” Bautree adds, smoothly taking over from his partner. 

“I literally walked in on them half naked on the bed, tongues down each other’s throats, and hands in each other’s pants. Can it be more clear than that?” Robert’s voice has risen, and Jace can see a vein throbbing at his temple. 

“The defence will rest for now,” Bautree says as he sits back down next to Jace, with Lowmark doing the same next to Alec.

“Mr Herondale. Do you deny the allegations brought forth by the senior Mr Lightwood here?” the stand-in Inquisitor asks. 

“Well, we weren’t actually kissing at th-” Jace’s advocate shakes his head sharply. “No. I do not deny it.”

“Mr Lightwood?” She motions to Alec to distinguish him from his father, implying the same question. 

Alec shakes his head, looking down at his hands clasped on the table. “No.”

“Prosecution, the floor is yours.”

“I would like to call Jace Herondale to the stand,” Rosebow requests, and Jace has no choice but to comply.

“Mr Herondale. For how long has your romantic and/or sexual involvement with Mr Lightwood been going on?”

“It was just the once. Yesterday. We didn’t exactly plan for it.” Jace doesn’t even dare to look at Alec, and simply focuses on Rosebow.

“Could you tell us what happened, exactly?”

Jace can feel heat rise to his cheeks, but he finds the lie easily. He is grateful that the Soul Sword is at the bottom of Lake Lyn, so he won’t have to, once again, spit out his feelings and the truth through clenched teeth.

“Alec was frustrated after the downworld cabinet meeting, and wanted to vent through some light sparring. You know… endorphins, close contact, just… sparks. And we found ourselves caught up in the moment.”

“But you were found in Mr Lightwood’s bedroom, correct?”

“We couldn’t exactly stay in the courtyard…” Now he really can’t help but look at Alec. It might have been a lie, but images of their real first kiss in that courtyard, the greenhouse, the night that followed… it isn’t something easily forgotten. 

“I see. You may step down. Mr Lightwood, please take his place.”

Alec gets up, shooting Jace a worried glance as they pass each other. Jace aches to reach out and squeeze his hand, but this would be the absolute worst setting for such an action. 

“So, Mr Lightwood. I have heard rumours that you have been infatuated with Mr Herondale since you were in your early teens. Is this correct?”

Jace immediately locks eyes with Alec. Of course he knows that those rumours are very much true, and it’s not like Alec can really deny it. Alec, however, looks like a deer caught in headlights. 

“I…” Alec chokes on his words. “Yes. But it was just like you said, a _teenage infatuation_. I got over that years ago.”

A little pang hits Jace in the stomach. He knows Alec is lying to save them, but the thought of Alec pining over him, all those years, and not actually getting over it — it actually pains Jace. And now, when he finally can return those feelings in full, they are mostly likely going to be punished for it. 

“Isn’t it also true that you were in a relationship with the downworlder Magnus Bane?” the prosecutor continues, and Jace can’t believe her audacity. 

“Yes, but what does that have to do with anything?” Alec snaps.

“I just want to establish your, shall we say… _leanings._ ” The way Rosebow smirks at the last word makes Jace want to leap over the table and throttle her. He can see the fury in Alec’s eyes. That was _not_ the right thing to say.

“Are you _serious?_ ” Alec blurts. “Yes, I am gay. That is not a secret, nor is it a crime. Yes, I dated Magnus for a while, but that is over. And if anything, going into that relationship should prove I am no longer in love with Jace. Like you said, I was a _teenager._ ”

“So just a one time, heat of the moment, romp? That is what you are sticking with?” She doesn’t sound convinced, but there’s not much else she can do. 

“Yes, m’am. That is the truth,” Alec bites. 

Rosebow sighs a little.

“The prosecution rests.”

“Okay. Does the defence have anything more to add?” the judge asks, but both of their advocates shake their heads curtly. “Then I suggest a brief recess. I have a few calls to make. We reconvene in half an hour.” And with that, he leaves. 

Jace slumps in his chair. This… did not go too well. But it’s not like they could really deny what Robert saw. The fact that they both stuck to their guns and claimed it was the first and only time will hopefully help, though. He casts a quick look around, but everyone seems preoccupied, or leaving, so Jace dares to sneak a hand under the table and grab Alec’s. Just a squeeze saying _I’m right here_. Alec squeezes back, then lets go.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispers to Jace. 

“Don’t be. We’re in this together, okay?” Jace replies. It hurts him to think that Alec felt solely guilty for this. Jace has been very much a willing participant in everything. 

Not being able to do much else, Jace spends the next half hour pacing the small room. Alec just sits in his chair, looking at his hands. Neither of them wants to leave, in fear of running into someone in the corridor. 

When the judge, or Inquisitor, or whatever the man holding their fate in their hands should be called, re-enters the room, they both let out a sigh of relief. No matter the verdict, Jace just wants this whole thing to be over, and he is pretty sure Alec feels the same.

“Everyone please sit back down.” The man’s face is stern, but Jace thinks he can detect a hint of boredom and relief that this won’t take all day. “The verdict is as follows. Jonathan Christopher Herondale. Alec Gideon Lightwood. You have both been found guilty of breaching the Covenant, and sullying your parabatai bond. You will be separated, with no means of contacting each other. This separation will last for 10 years, after which you can reunite under a trial basis. We hope that this time will be more than enough to quell any inappropriate feelings you may have towards each other, and let you come back together as parabatai, if possible.”

Alec gasps at this, and it feels like a fist to Jace’s stomach. _Separated?_ For 10 _years_? And they won’t even be allowed to _speak_ to each other? 

“Your bond will not be forcefully severed, and your runes will remain intact. As a team you have been among our very best fighters, and the Clave is not prepared to lose that resource forever. But, for your safety, and ours, you cannot remain together in any capacity for the time being. We cannot guarantee your bond will survive the separation, however, as the distance between you will be great. Mr Herondale, you will be sent to the London Institute. I have already spoken to their Head, and he is expecting you very shortly.”

Jace can’t believe what he’s hearing. They can’t even be allowed to remain on the same continent? What could be so horrific about parabatai being together that the Clave will go to such lengths to keep them apart? His vision is swimming, and he doesn’t even realise he’s reached out until his hand connects with Alec’s leg under the table. He digs his fingers in hard. 

“Mr Lightwood,” their judge and now destroyer-of-lives, continues. “While you will remain here in New York, you will be stripped of your command. Your further position will be decided by the new Head of the Institute.”

With his nails firmly dug into the fabric of Alec’s pant leg, Jace absentmindedly wonders if Robert had something to do with the details of their punishment. It keeps his family intact and removes Jace from the equation completely. Not that it really matters to him now. If he is honest with himself, it might actually be harder to stay behind, while having a big piece cut out of his otherwise still normal life. 

“The sentence will be carried out at 4pm this afternoon, at which point a portal to London will be opened and Mr Herondale escorted through. That concludes today’s proceedings.” And with that, the man who has essentially condemned Jace and Alec to a life of pure misery, leaves. 

Jace gasps. His chest is constricting and it feels like he can’t get enough air. This is it — the end of the line. Alec places his hand over Jace’s, still cramped around Alec’s thigh. They say nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thanks to @sapphicalexandra for being my trusty beta and support in this!


	4. A cold and broken hallelujah

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“No. You…” Jace’s breath hitches a little. “You have to let me go.”_
> 
>  
> 
> ... yeah, it's time for them to say goodbye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, thanks to @sapphicalexandra for getting me through this and throwing a gazillion commas into the mix

The Clave seems to realise that even parabatai who are breaking the law deserve to say their goodbyes, and are leaving Jace and Alec alone while the portal to London is being prepared. And, this time, they make double sure to lock the door to the bedroom. Alec has snapped out of the shock he found himself in after the verdict, and his mind has gone into problem solving mode.

“Maybe we can call for a mistrial or something? The way this was done can’t be legal right?”

At his side, Jace just sighs and sits down on the bed, shoulders slumped. Alec sits down next to him, mind still revving. 

“Can we contact the new Consul maybe? Have him review this whole thing.”

“There’s no use.” Jace says, defeat drenching his voice. “We were caught literally red handed. And Robert will never stand down.”

Jace raises his gaze to meet Alec’s, and the look in his eyes makes Alec deflate. All fighting spirit just dies.

“Then we run.”

“No. You…” Jace’s breath hitches a little. “You have to let me go.”

“I can’t do that Jace. I just can’t.” Alec puts his arms around him, squeezing desperately.

“If we run, there is no coming back from that. When, and it is _when_ , they catch us, we will be de-runed and exiled. You will never see you family and friends again. I will not do that to you.”

“Jace…”

“This way there is still hope. Maybe with time, we can arrange an appeal. The Clave is changing, maybe the Law can change too. If we run, everything is lost.”

“But we’ll have…”

“No. Just… let’s not talk about it, okay? Just kiss me.” 

Jace’s eyes are pleading and it makes Alec swallow his protest. This may be why their lives are currently being dismantled, but the crime has already been committed, and this is their very last chance to feel each other… Yet, he doesn’t heed the request right away. Instead, he cups Jace’s face with his hand, grazing his thumb over Jace’s cheekbone and then lips. Jace looks at him intensely, lips slightly parted. Any other day he would’ve let his tongue dart out, or slipped Alec thumb into his mouth, but not today. He just breathes and stares. But Alec can sense how Jace’s whole body is straining to just _connect_. And so is his own. He pulls Jace closer and their lips meet. Jace’s hands finally rise from where they have been limply resting by his sides, and he cups the back of Alec’s head with one hand while the other is spread wide, pressed between Alec’s shoulder blades. Not letting go, Jace leans back, bringing Alec with him. Following the movement, Alec gently rights them on the bed so that Jace’s head rests comfortably against the pillows. Their movements are careful and slow. Alec pushes Jace’s shirt over his head, and Jace unbuttons Alec’s in return, not stopping at the last button but simply continuing down to his pants. The desire to connect translates to them wanting to feel as much skin against skin as possible. But somehow, despite there being a rapidly ticking clock on their last hours together, they don’t rush things. They may not _have_ time, but they will _take_ it.

Their kisses may be slow, but they are deep. When Alec needs to break for air, he decides to simply divert his attention to the speed rune on Jace’s neck, covering the black lines with butterfly kisses and small flicks of his tongue. He wants to taste every inch of Jace’s skin, to commit it all to memory, but he settles on kissing every rune he can reach. Their fingers are interlaced, resting against the cool sheets, and, not wanting to let go, Alec pulls Jace’s arms down as he himself moves further down the bed to get to the runes on Jace’s stomach. He can feel the taut muscles trembling slightly under the touch of his lips, and, when he finally reaches the parabatai rune on Jace’s side, a shiver runs through them both and Jace arches up. He releases his hold on Alec’s hands and continues his upward motion, until they’re both sitting on the bed instead. 

Jace claims Alec’s mouth once again, letting his tongue slip back in as if his and Alec’s have always belonged together . His warm hands are splayed against Alec’s bare back, and Alec can feel those nimble fingers slowly start to trace the runes etched into his skin — some of them put there by Jace himself. He knows that Jace is deeply familiar with every single line, just as he is with Jace’s. They could draw them perfectly, over and over again, even in the dark. And they have — with fingers and with lips. Now, however, Alec’s hands are simply resting on Jace’s waist, holding him steady and close. When he feels hot tears spill from Jace’s eyes, Alec moves to kiss the salt from his cheeks. He doesn’t say anything, but merely guides them gently back down onto the mattress. 

When he slowly eases into Jace, it’s not with lust or passion, but with a soul-deep need to simply be as close as possible. To be _one_. He takes it slow, barely moving at all. Jace has his legs tightly wrapped around him, keeping Alec locked inside him. All Alec can do is make small rocking motions while clinging to Jace in return. It’s not about the pleasure, but the _connection_. 

Alec doesn’t realise he’s crying too, until Jace moves his hands from where they’ve been pressed against Alec’s shoulder blades to wipe the tears from his face. Hand still cupping Alec’s face, he pulls him back down for another kiss.

“It’s going to be okay,” he promises, kissing along Alec’s cheekbone.

Alec doesn’t believe him. Not really. How can this be okay? They are never going to be able to do this again. Ever.

“I love you… so much,” Alec breathes in a reverent whisper. 

Jace meets his gaze, and the warm light from the wall sconces reflect in his eyes, making the splash of gold glitter in the stark sea of blue. How will Alec ever be able to forget those eyes?

“I love _you,_ ” Jace sighs, pressing his body hard against Alec, while the feelings of love, loss, and an already building longing echo through their bond. 

Not changing their speed or movement, the orgasm builds slowly between them. When they both finally crest the peak, neither of them cry out but simply cling to each other as it rolls through them, as if they were one single being, caught in melancholy rapture. 

They stay like that, not moving except for Alec quietly stroking Jace’s hair while feeling Jace’s heartbeat echoing his own. He wishes they could stay like this forever, skin to skin in each other’s arms.

“I need to go,” Jace finally says, regret tinging his voice. He extracts himself from Alec’s embrace and quickly gets dressed. Alec can’t help but just look at him, trying to take in every detail of his skin before it is covered by cotton and leather, and possibly lost to him forever. 

But when Jace is fully dressed and makes a move to leave, Alec has to reach out. He hooks an arm around Jace’s waist and pulls him back, holding on for dear life. 

“We do this… and we’ll never see each other again,” Alec’s says, a lump forming in his throat. 

“Do you truly love me?” Jace is looking down at him, a hand in Alec’s dark hair, with fingers gently caressing his scalp. 

Alec simply nods and presses his face closer to Jace’s stomach. 

“Beyond hope,” he whispers.

“Then don’t make me say goodbye.” Jace voice cracks. 

Alec nods and buries his face against Jace’s skin, but doesn’t say anything when Jace, eventually, gently pushes him away and turns. He could have left in tears and with shoulders hunched in defeat. Instead, Alec watches him straighten his back and neck, and, even if he can’t see Jace’s face, he knows that it will show no trace of the feelings churning inside. In public, Jace will bear his punishment with his head held high, and so will Alec.

*

When Alec leaves his bedroom a while later to head for the portal room, he almost collides with Izzy.

“By the angel Alec! What happened?! I just got back from the Baltic coast and I’m met with murmurs of Jace being exiled, and I heard someone mention ‘salacious activities’? And you look like _shit._ ”

“They… Izzy, dad walked in on us.”

Izzy’s jaw drops and she pushes Alec back into his room, locking the door behind them.

“Dad did _what_?”

“Me and Jace were… you know.” 

“Noooo. Dad walked in on you two… _having sex_?” She raises an eyebrow, and her voice drops to an almost whisper on the last two words, despite them being alone, for once. 

“Well, not really. Thank the angel we hadn’t gotten that far yet. But it sure was close. Shirts off, hands wandering, kisses…” He is too embarrassed to look at her.

“Oh, Alec. I thought you two were being so careful. What happened to triple checking you locked the door?”

“I don’t know, Iz. I don’t know!”

“How did dad react?”

“How do you think? The murmurs about Jace being exiled are true. He’s being sent to London in…” He checks his watch. “Fifteen minutes. We’re not allowed to even contact to each other for ten years. Jace and I, we’re criminals.”

At that, Izzy’s eyes widen and she can’t seem to get a word out. Alec slumps onto the bed, resting his elbows on his knees while covering his face in his hands.

“Dad stormed out, contacted Inquisitor Herondale, and our trial was this morning,” Alec continues. “Before you say anything… yeah, we lied. We said it was just last night and nothing more, and they believed us. I think that’s why we’re still allowed to remain parabatai, and there’s a time limit. But Iz… it feels like a death sentence right now.”

“Oh big brother, I’m so sorry.” She crouches down and hugs him. Then she straightens up. “Wait, did you say _yesterday_? All this in less than 24 hours? And you’re being separated for 10 years for making out just once? That can be really dangerous for parabatai! How is this fair?”

“Yeah, I know… But, we can’t do anything else right now.”

Izzy takes a resolute step towards the door.

“No, Izzy, wait! Don’t go to dad. There’s no use. I don’t even know if he’s still here. We will…” He swallows hard. “We will just have to do this.”

“What about you? What will happen to you?”

“I don’t know. I’m being demoted, of course. We’re getting a new Head of the Institute. Whoever that is will decide the rest. I guess dad had something to do with _that_ , too. Wanting to keep the family together or something.”

Izzy huffs.

“Yeah, that ain’t happening. And Jace is family, too! First mom, now this? I’m not speaking to him ever again.”

*

When they enter the portal room Izzy leaves Alec’s side and flies into Jace’s arms, not paying any attentions to the guards on either side of him. Alec can’t hear what she mumbles in Jace’s ear, but he can imagine it’s the kind of tearful goodbye he cannot give his parabatai himself. And, no matter how Alec’s and Jace’s relationship has changed over the years, to Izzy Jace will always be a brother.

_Clary should be here_ , Alec thinks. She, too, will lose a brother, and she doesn’t even know it yet. She and Izzy had infiltrated a reportedly rogue group of shadowhunters on the southern Swedish coast, which has naturally meant complete radio silence for the past week. For some reason Izzy was back, possibly to report, but Alec figures Clary must still be in Sweden, so the news won’t reach her until she returns. He is not particularly looking forward to the pint sized hurricane of fire that will tear through the institute when she learns of what has happened. 

Eventually, Jace’s guards seem to get tired of Izzy and ask her to step away, so she returns to Alec’s side. Tears are still streaming down her face, but her jaw is set.

“I told Jace I’m going to fix this. And I will,” she whispers. 

“It’s okay, Izzy,” Alec replies, hoping she would stop crying soon. It is making it very hard for him to remain composed. 

“Jace said that, too. And no, no it’s not. But we will make it okay. Somehow. I’m not giving up on you two.”

“Thank you,” he says, voice low, while squeezing her hand. 

The Inquisitor and her stand-in enter the room last. Alec assumes that the advocates and prosecutor must have left already, their job being done and all. And he isn’t the least bit surprised that Robert is absent as well. _Coward_ , he thinks. 

“Okay, let’s get this over with,” the Inquisitor says in a loud authoritative voice. But Alec thinks he can detect a hint of sadness in her eyes as she looks at Jace.

Alec stands up straighter, hands clasped behind his rigid back. When Jace is brought to stand in front of the portal, Alec has to use all his strength not to reach out or speak up. But he will keep his promise — no goodbyes. And then Jace lunges. It is not an escape attempt, he wouldn’t be that stupid. No, he just goes for Alec, and presses a kiss hard to his lips. It’s not like one more would make a difference anyway. It’s short, with closed lips and just pressure. And opposite to what Jace had wished, it _is_ a goodbye. But before Alec can do anything in return, Jace is dragged away from him by his escort. 

The last thing Alec sees is Jace looking back at him from the glimmering halo of the portal, eyes shining. Then, Alec's knees buckle and he crumples to the ground.


End file.
